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Some interesting e-mails help Sunday column

November 13, 2011
By ESTHER MCCOY - Staff writer , The Herald-Star

Time is running a little short this week, as work on the Holiday Cookbook is taking top priority.

It has been a labor of love, with a few spicy words thrown in on occasion. I hope you enjoy it when it comes out on Nov. 22.

My thanks to Marian Houser, retired community editor, who came in to help me proofread the measurements on recipes so that what should be 1/8 cup doesn't read 1/2 cup or an important ingredient doesn't get omitted.

At busy times like these, I resort to friends who send me interesting e-mails. I have had this one for a long time and don't remember who sent it now. Some of the lessons of life hit home for me from my youth and in raising our boys.

Twenty-five reasons that I owe my Mom:

1. My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me religion. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about time travel. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to throw you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me logic. "Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me more logic. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me foresight. "Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me irony. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of osmosis. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about contortionism. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about stamina. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about weather. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about hypocrisy. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the circle of life. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about behavior modification. "Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about envy. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about anticipation. "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about receiving. "You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me medical science. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on ... don't you think I know when you're cold?"

20. My mother taught me humor. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me how to become an adult. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me genetics. "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my roots. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me wisdom. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite ... My mother taught me about justice. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you." (I think I may have used that once.)

Here is another interesting e-mail called "Interesting things you learn when you have sons."

1. A 3-year-old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

2. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20-by-20-foot room.

3. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke - and lots of it.

4. A 6-year-old boy can start a fire with a flint rock, even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.

5. Play Dough and microwave are words that should not be used in the same sentence.

6. Super glue is forever.

7. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.

8. VCRs do not eject 'PB&J' sandwiches even though television commercials show they do.

9. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

10. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

11. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

12. The spin cycle on a washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. However, it will make cats dizzy, and cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

One interesting thing happened with Pastor Wilford Simeral at the Smithfield Christian Church Sunday.

He was bemoaning the fact that he had made several mistakes in the bulletin, saying he didn't know how that happened.

I spoke up and said I could sympathize with him as I have that problem sometimes at the newspaper also.

My case in point happened that Sunday, too. I have known the Jefferson County Veterans Association Commander Bill Smythe for several years and admire him greatly.

When I wrote a story about Veterans Day and the care of the flag in my Sunday column, I named him Bill Smurthwaite.

I have no idea where I got that name. I'm not even sure I know anyone by that name.

So I am in the same boat with a member of the clergy in making mistakes.

(McCoy, a resident of Smithfield, is food editor and a staff columnist for the Herald-Star and the Weirton Daily Times. She can be contacted at

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