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Obama seeks help from the insurance advertising icons
October 22, 2013 - Paul Giannamore
Scene: Somewhere in a room in the White House. Seated around the table are President Obama and his panel of insurance pitchmen.
OBAMA: Thank you all for coming. As I am sure you are aware, we have reached a major crossroads with the Affordable Health Care Act, specifically, trying to convince people that the difficulties in getting our federal website to work are not indicative of further issues with the insurance program.
Let’s go around the table and each one of you can offer your thoughts about how best to dress up this mess.
FARMERS INSURANCE UNIVERSITY DEAN: Well, Mr. President, let me offer you some tips on how to stay safe with our knowledge. We make our customers smarter about insurance because what they don’t know can hurt them. For instance, we would tell them that they should stay on their spouse’s plan if it saves them money, which they could otherwise spend, thus spurring economic growth.
OBAMA: That cannot happen. We need everyone insured by themselves so we know who has what in this country to allow those who have no insurance to get some. We’re not worried about people with insurance. I think too much knowledge here could be problematic.
FLO: At Progressive, we use the Name Your Price tool. Just pick up that laser thing in front of you there and aim it at the prices of your plans and zoom! Insurance for everyone’s wallet.
OBAMA: That has possibilities. I’d have to see about getting a federal contract for producing the Name Your Price Tool, and that might get bogged down in Congress while they fight over specifications and whose district should get the factory. Also, it would have to look like something other than a gun because, well, we just cannot leave guns lying around everywhere.
MAYHEM: I’m your computer system. In a few months you’re facing an insurance deadline and a crisis because of me —
OBAMA: Enough, Mayhem. Don’t you have anything constructive to add?
MAYHEM: But you could have gone with Allstate, and we’d have you in our good hands already.
OBAMA: Get him out of here. Where is Dennis Haysbert, anyway?
HAYSBERT (with that amazing voice!): I was studying you for that portrayal of you in “Obama! The Musical” they’re readying for five years after you’re out of office. But if you want insurance advice, you can save with discounts from Allstate.
AARON ROGERS: And when it comes to discounts, I don’t really do that State Farm Discount Double Check thing.
JOHN KRASINSKI (whose voice is heard from just outside the office): I’m not one to be seen in insurance commercials, but if all Americans had a dollar for every time you said they would save a dollar on insurance, they’d have, like, a big stack of dollars.
OBAMA: Loved you in “The Office,” but what’s your point here?
JOHN KRASINSKI: At eSurance, we’re all about online insurance and we save you money.
OBAMA: Where the heck were you the last six years?
JOHN KRASINSKI: Scranton, Pa.
OBAMA: Perhaps we all need to adjourn to Scranton to see just what they do in the office there at eSurance.
JOHN KRASINSKI: I’m just saying, you should stick with those lines: Insurance Good. Cheap insurance Good! Works for me. Besides, you’ve seen what happens in offices in Scranton, Pa., haven’t you?
OBAMA: But with Dwight in charge, maybe things are going to -- uh, never mind. Let’s get the lizard’s perspective.
GEICO GEKKO: Well, Mr. President, we just don’t do things the way you do them here in the colonies. We just simply offer a good product and let it kind of sell itself.
THE CAMEL, walking in uninvited: Hey, hey, Barack, Barack, Barack! What day is it, huh? C’mooon.
THOSE TWO GUYS WITH INSTRUMENTS: How happy does Obamacare make you? About as happy as a camel on a Wednesday.
OBAMA: Ok, enough.
(Suddenly a spray of melon juice showers them as Gallagher enters, wielding his sledgehamer.)
THOSE TWO GUYS WITH INSTRUMENTS: As happy as Gallagher at a farmer’s market?
(A basketball whizzes by, and Deke Mutumbo runs in, waves his finger in Obama’s face and says, “Not today!" before sprinting back out.)
THOSE TWO GUYS WITH INSTRUMENTS: As happy as Dikembe Mutumbo blocking a shot.
OBAMA: Enough! Obviously the private sector has nothing to offer that helps here.
MAYHEM: I’m the American People. You thought you were in charge, but really, they’re growing restless…
OBAMA: This meeting is over. I’m out of here!
OBAMA: Get her some water and tell me why people pass out whenever I talk about insurance!
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