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Willy Wonka and the iPhone factory

September 21, 2013 - Paul Giannamore
I cannot help but think of Willy Wonka with this latest debut of the iPhone’s next step, the 5s and 5C.

First off, the jelly-bean colors of the cheaper 5C get me thinking, well, of candy.

And then there’s the whole gold iPhone 5s thing. Apparently there were only a couple available at some stores. Only the lucky people who camped out the longest got the golden phones. And how somebody with the time to go camp out can afford a golden iPhone is beyond me.

It’s like the golden candy bars. Maybe the holders of the golden iPhones will be able to find some Easter egg in the programming of their phones and be transported immediately to One Infinite Loop, where they will tour the Magical World of Apple. Safely, so long as they do what they’re told and don’t touch the iPad IV or V or VI or whatever they’re into now. My one-time pride and joy iPad 1 is an abandoned program crasher good for getting e-mail and watching Netflix and maybe using the Twitter app, so long as I don’t try to link photos or stay on too long.

Maybe I was too much like the Blueberry Kid on Willy Wonka's factory tour.

All I can think about is the greedy folks who simply MUST have the latest iPhone meeting up with the Apple Oompa Loompas in their Apple polo shirts, singing:

“Oompa loompa doopa de doh:

You can’t get a golden iPhone.

If you want one, you’ll have to wait

And get it at some future date:

What do you do when you drive and you text

Hit power poles and get into wrecks!

You’ll do time if you get caught

You’d be better off if you stopped and you called…

Ooompa Loompa doopa de dee

If you try to live iPhone free

You will need a phone that you must buy

Try Android or Windows by those other guys!”

Which I did earlier this year when I thought the iPhone 5 wasn’t enough of an advance over my old 3GS to spend the bucks at upgrade time, knowing it might just be abandoned before my next upgrade came around. I opted for the nicely sized screen of the Motorola Atrix HD instead, and have not looked back.

I got the iPhone ownership thing out of my system. I guess, despite a high-fiber column I wrote a few years ago (print is high fiber, on paper, made of fiber, get it?) it really IS like the Ford Mustang was in its heyday of the 1960s. Just had to have it. And I’m over it. Still wouldn’t mind a mint ‘65 convertible with a 289 under the hood, though.


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