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Are we better off knowing little spheres make better dads?

September 10, 2013 - Paul Giannamore
The headline said a survey by Emory University determined men with smaller testicles are more likely to be involved with their toddlers than their more well endowed counterparts.

Initially, I wondered if the USAToday Facebook feed was hacked.

But no. The story was everywhere and published into The Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

Ohohhoohohoho. Gifts like this just do not get dropped into my lap (oh, heavens, the puns, the puns). What fertile ground (sure, the pun is intended) for a writer with a bent toward snarky (Stop! Stop! That's what she said!!)

An associate professor of anthropology said it is known that testosterone-loaded guys are worse fathers, but he figured the spherical volume was a more stable measure. I had all kinds of unpleasant visions of how all this got figued out, but they used an MRI on the brains and the pallinas. And when pictures of their kids were shown to them, the nurture center of the brain lit up much more in the guys who resemble a Swedish appetizer than the guys who look like the filling in a big Italian sandwich.

In addition, their ladies filled out questionnaires that, when matched with the men's cojone metering revealed that the little fellers were more responsive to things like taking the kids to the doctor or getting up at night when the midgets awakened.

So there is a stereotype at work here. Tough guys look on such stuff as women's work, right? And women never, ever think men do enough with their kids anyway, so who has the big boccie equipment in most households?

Now, here is the thing (cannot stop with the puns). If a guy declares, "Darnit, I am a good father," then he is also declaring, "Darnit, I have tiny buckeyes."

Will this survey, which attempted to look for a sign as to why some guys are lousy dads actually create lousy dads? Are we distantly damning every guy who plays tea party with their daughter to be snickered at in the gym, as if it is bully feeding time at the junior high school?

I am left wondering the purpose of this kind of study. Should women ask men to please turn their head and cough before seeking commitment? Are men who have more dominant women as partners naturally smaller spherically? Or is there some truth to the statement about that guy who is always getting his grapes crushed by his wife?

Does it really bear further study? Or is this bit of scientific TMI really anything that we needed to find out at all?

Leave it to FOX to find the answer to my one remaining question: no federal dollars were kicked in the Washingtons in the measuring of these men's gnocchi.

At least we cannot blame Obama for this one, at least until he starts ordering tests that justify compensation for single mothers who were abandoned by the spherically blessed.


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