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Watch out! That guy's on jelly beans!

April 30, 2013 - Paul Giannamore
I am convinced that most drivers who aren’t nearly crashing because of their cellphones are nearly crashing because they’re stoned, on crack, on painkillers or on herbal agricultural output that is legal in certain bars in Colorado. I never really gave pause to the thought that the idiot in the gigantic pickup that is pushing Enrico the PT Cruiser out the way on Route 7 at 5 a.m. just might be hopped up on potato chips. Not garden variety Grandma Shearer’s chips, but special energy chips. If energy drinks don’t do it for you, it might be an eye-opener to consider there are all kinds of added-caffeine foodstuffs available if you look around. The AP story that came out about the FDA looking into caffeine in foods today included a tasty list of edibles I never knew existed (apparently another sign of the creeping onset of old out of touch geezerhood settling in):

--- Wrigley Alert Energy Gum. While it won’t power the lights for a night game in Chicago, it has about the same caffeine as a half cup of coffee. Can’t imagine Clint Hurdle chewing a couple packs of this stuff all at once.

--- Jelly Belly Extreme Sport Beans, with the caffeine of more than half a cup of coffee, not to mention all that yummy flavored sugar. President Reagan loved Jelly Belly. Now, an extra-animated Gipper, with Don Knotts’ voice.

--- Cracker Jack’d Power Bites. Not really sure if my personal trainers from the gym would go for me jacking up on some candy coated popcorn, peanuts and a prize, the prize being two tablespoons of ground coffee mixed in with our childhood baseball snack.

And my personal favorite just because of the name, not because I've ever seen them: Wired Waffles. Imagine all the sugary goodness of maple syrup with caffeine mixed in, and poured over “energy waffles.”

Surely there are others, too. Surveys seem to say every year that Americans are sleep deprived and face health risks and lower productivity and less on-the-job accuracy as a result. And folks decry kids getting sick on energy drinks. From firsthand experience with a couple of workout supplements over the past couple of years, I am not so sure most folks need peppy waffles. Being unable to sleep stinks.

So, put my support behind the FDA taking a look at this stuff.

You want caffeine with your popcorn, dip it in some Starbucks, mister.


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