Love-hate purse relationship rages on

This just isn’t working out, I told Better Half, about a month into trying to fully adjust to a new purse I got for Christmas from our son.

My love-hate relationship with “pocketbooks” rages on, my quest for the perfect one a fruitless pursuit.

Purses are too little, too big, never just the right size.

There’s either too much room or not enough.

My latest lug-around is an ornate black purse, as deep as it is big, probably more like a piece of luggage that needs wheels instead of a strap to hang from my shoulder.

Yes, it’s great that I can stuff a ton of stuff in there — not so hot that it weighs a ton and has mysterious Bermuda Triangle tendencies to boot, given I can never seem to find what I swore I put in there, what I need when I need it.

Never mind that I carry Mace for self-protection. A lot of good that’ll do me. If a criminal comes after me, I’d have to stall for time.

“Now wait a minute, buster! I’ve got pepper spray on me! … Well, it’s in here somewhere. I’m sure I just saw it! Hold on a second, no, that’s not it, now where did that go??!!”

Picture me whistling, digging around without success in an ornate big, deep black purse. A pretty purse, but ineffective.

Short of not carrying one at all, there has to be a solution to finding the perfect purse.

There’s got to be a better way, I keep telling myself.

I thought I was on to something when I saw a commercial recently advertising a special kind of vest for men. The vest had lots of zipper pockets inside and out. After all, poor men have sooooo much to carry. A comb. A wallet. Some keys. A phone. A honey-do list (OK — those can be long.)

I could put one of those vests to better use, I’m thinking, but I probably need way more pockets, way more zipper compartments. I could quit carrying a purse and just wear a modified man vest with a gazillion pockets.

Yes! How organized I could be!

One pocket for cosmetics, including Ballerina Pink lipstick. Never leave home without that, for pity sake.

A pocket for pens and notebooks and paper clips and that kind of office stuff.

A pocket for money, a small one since it doesn’t stay with me very long.

A pocket for stuff that family members commission and entrust me to carry on their behalf because they don’t want to be bothered.

A pocket for condiments because when Better Half and I go some places to eat, salt and pepper packets are in short supply, and we must maintain adequate sodium levels (i.e. salt freaks).

A pocket for Band-aids, emery boards, cough drops, gum, mints and a thread and needle, etc., because people in your midst always ask if anyone has that kind of stuff at some point or another.

And a pocket, of course, with stuff to protect you, like Mace, like pepper spray.

Hopefully the zipper won’t get stuck when you need it.

Have a good week and a good experience with your purses and man vests.

(Kiaski, a resident of Richmond, is a staff columnist and community editor for the Herald-Star and The Weirton Daily Times. She can be contacted at