×

Adventures in crafting

I want to be good at crafting.

I am not good at crafting.

I am good at being disaster-prone.

I have a Pinterest board full of “no-fail” and “fool-proof” ideas. These are misnomers, because they can fail and they are not proof against fools.

I am living (fool) proof. I should never be given glue guns, glue dots or glue anything. I will glue myself to something or inadvertently glue something to something else it shouldn’t be glued to, like a kitchen table. I also should not be allowed to handle paint or glitter, because if there is somewhere it shouldn’t be — the floor, the curtains, the couch, the ceiling — I will manage to get it there without being aware I am doing it.

The children come by it honestly.

I have had some crafting successes. Not many, but there have been just enough to tempt me to try again, despite my long line of failures. At the beginning of each project, I think that this time would be different and I would learn from my previous failures.

I should have learned that I am not crafty.

During my quest to become competent at crafting, I have acquired an assortment of odds and ends from keys that don’t open anything to edible googly eyes. I have used most of these things exactly once, for the project for which I purchased them.

I once thought I would eventually accumulate enough supplies I could simply dip into this pool, maybe occasionally replenishing it. This has not happened, and I suspect that it will never happen. I suspect an evil conspiracy between the craft supply stores and Pinterest.

I should know better, but I thought it would be nice to give Grandmama and Grampy Grumpy a photo collage for Grandparents Day. I’d use photos from our extended-family vacation.

And I would use my mastery in papercrafts to decorate the matting with a beach theme to reflect our vacation destination.

Or not.

First, the blue spray paint jammed. I decided that the dribble-sprinkle effect was what I was looking for. Also, I had forgotten to buy a paint brush. But that was OK, I could use my fingers. It would totally have the same effect. I was heavy-handed with the glitter. Not on purpose.

“Does this look good?” I asked Sass.

“Needs more glitter,” she said.

I thought it had a nice, subtle shimmer. I am not known for subtly, so I was proud of myself, but she was insistent. Of course, I spilled glitter everywhere.

It ended up looking like something a moderately talented second-grader might make for an “All About My Family” project. I wasn’t proud of it, but I’d spent too much money in photo developing and craft supplies I would never use again to hide it in the back of a closet. Maybe Grandmama and Grampy Grumpy would hang it in the guest room.

Of course, Grandmama liked it well enough to hang it “somewhere people can see it.” Of course.

I’m swearing off crafting.

But, you know, I saw an idea for a super-easy Halloween wreath. All I need is a grapevine wreath, some rubber snakes and a can of black spray paint. It’s a no-miss idea.

(Wallace-Minger, a resident of Weirton, is community editor of The Weirton Daily Times.)

NEWSLETTER

Today's breaking news and more in your inbox

I'm interested in (please check all that apply)
Are you a paying subscriber to the newspaper? *

COMMENTS

Starting at $4.73/week.

Subscribe Today