A little of this and a little of that
Sometimes stories for my column do not just fall into my lap. Sometimes I go pawing through folders of saved material looking for some interesting facts and fiction to put down on this page.
I found some good information from Aunt Nemie on my e-mail. No matter that it was sent Jan. 31, 2012, it is still timely. Actually they are questions I could see my 5-year-old granddaughter, Maggie, asking me and really stumping me in the process.
Here we go with some of the questions that might have no answers.
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
Why is it that people say they slept like a baby when babies wake up every two hours?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They are both dogs!
Do the “Alphabet Song” and “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” have the same tune?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you. But when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that is falling off the table, you always manage to knock something else over?
In the winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
Once you are in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why are people starring IN a movie but they are ON television?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
And the last one that will give you a moment of thought: The statistics on sanity is that one of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re OK, then is it you?
This is an e-mail from Natalie Doty, a teacher herself in earlier years, and it tells that teachers and animal lovers will enjoy these British classified ads that were actually placed in a United Kingdom newspaper.
Free puppies – Half Cocker Spaniel and half sneaky neighbor’s dog.
Joining nudist colony – Must sell washer and dryer.
These are questions asked by the teacher and the answer of the student:
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: Class started before I got here.
Teacher: Johnny, why are you doing your math multiplications on the floor?
Johnny: You told me to do it without using tables.
Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louis, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
Louis: Because George still had the axe in his hand?
Teacher: Simon, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?
Simon: No sir, I don’t have to. My Mom is a good cook.
Teacher: Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s? Did you copy his?
Clyde: No sir. It’s the same dog.
Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Harold: A teacher.
This was popular when Erma Bombeck, an author who told of life as it went on humorously in her household.
When Bombeck learned that she was dying of cancer, she wrote words that makes one think that it is time to stop and smell the roses. And is worth repeating now.
IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren’t there for the day.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained or the sofa were faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the good living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have sat on the lawn and got grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
I would have never bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn’t show soil or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I would have cherished every moment
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never had said, “Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.” There would have been more “I love you’s. More I’m sorry’s.”
But mostly, given another shot a life, I would seize every minute, look at it and really see it. Live it and never give it back. Stop sweating the small stuff!
Don’t worry about who doesn’t like you, who has more or who’s doing what. Instead, let’s cherish the relationships we have with those who do love you.
I cut this happiness thought out of a Good Housekeeping magazine, and I think that it is appropriate right here.
“Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.”
The week of May 12 holds three important days to celebrate.
May 12 is Mother’s Day. Remember the one who roused you out of bed for school each morning, nursed you through sickness and cooked special foods at that time just for you and continues to worry about you today, even though you are almost into middle age.
May 15 is a very tasty day as it is National Chocolate Chip Day.
May 18 is Armed Forces Day. Thank a member of the military for their service to you and the entire land of the good ole U.S.A.
I want to close with a tribute to someone who has been a special friend of mine through the years – Gerald Hasley, who died on April 17.
I think my respect for his dedication started when I was covering the Jefferson County Fair in my initial years. He served as fair secretary, the “go-to” person when news needed to be obtained. If he did not know, he would find out and would spend as much time as was needed to write my story.
It extended to when he was active in the Smithfield Masonic Lodge 182 F&AM, and they had community projects that needed to be introduced and with the Mount Moriah Baptist Church, where he served as treasurer for 50 years. He served as District Deputy Grandmaster of the 24th District, Steubenville Commandery 11, member of the Knight York Cross of Honour and the Ancient Accepted Scottish Rite.
My sympathy to his wife, Betty, and Wayne, his son. He did get to meet and welcome his first great-granddaughter, Avery Lee, who was born two days before his death. He reached out and tenderly touched the baby’s little leg and smiled a big welcome into the family.
(McCoy, a resident of Smithfield, is food editor and a staff columnist for the Herald-Star and The Weirton Daily Times. She can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org.)