Age calculating in chocolate years

Interesting that I would find something chocolate-oriented when I decided to give my Herald-Star newsroom desk a going-over given it’s 2013 and all.

I like the idea of a fresh and clean work environment when the new year rolls around, so I get my desk and drawers all in order and start filling in my new desk calendar with events that will be happening in the months to come.

Anyway, in the process of rifling through drawers and under my old desk calendar, I came across this one e-mail printout that I had saved from May 2012 with the heading “Your Age by Chocolate Math.”

Never mind how old I am in regular years.

Never mind how old I am in dog years. Arf. Arf.

Now I can figure out how long I’ve been around in chocolate years.

I should look like a piece of chocolate, incidentally, given all the goodies I haven’t said no to. Or any number of Christmas cookies and other assorted holiday fare for that matter.

The newsroom has had no shortage of Christmas chow to eat during December, a wickedly high-calorie month in which I have denied myself nothing.

Say no to chocolate chip cheesecake?

Not on my watch.

Back away from the mini-brownies with a thick coating of fudge icing and no one gets hurt?

Couldn’t prove it by me.

Pass by the two-layer jumbo box of assorted chocolates in favor of, what, a piece of fruit, nature’s candy?

Get real. With the lid chart to identify what’s what in the candy box from row to row, I’m home free, honey, safe from any of the coconut ones.

“Your Age by Chocolate Math” was an e-mail I kept with intentions of maybe mentioning sometime during 2012, the only year in which this “chocolate calculator” test was supposed to work.

So try this and pretend as if it’s still 2012 for old time chocolate-calculating sake.


1. First off, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate. (The number here has to be more than once but less than 10 even if you’re inclined to answer 100.)

2. Multiply this number by 2.

3. Add 5.

4. Multiply it by 50.

5. If you’ve already had your birthday this year (remember, pretend it’s 2012), add 1762. If you haven’t, add 1761.

6. Now, subtract the four-digit year that you were born.

You should have a three-digit number.

The first digit of this was your original number – how many times you want to have chocolate each week.

The next two numbers are your age.

How about that? It worked for me. And it worked up my appetite. Think I’ll have some chocolate.

(Kiaski, a resident of Steubenville, is a staff columnist and features writer for the Herald-Star and The Weirton Daily Times and community editor for the Herald-Star. She can be contacted at